'Voir Tales

Keep Driving....

As Kevin waited he couldn't shake the nagging feeling that perhaps, in fact, nothing could be done about it. Perhaps, despite all his years of personal audits and financial investment, he was ultimately just a stuffed bear sitting in a van, and Reservoir was about as interested in financially scaled spiritual enlightenment as they were in cashless dole payments.

With thanks to RA for the image. Pure gold.

"2020 is bullshit Daryl. I'm calling Christmas early."

A Message of Hope

My last post reminded me of a piece of unsolicited mail I received last month from my friends the Jehovah's Witnesses, who are quite active in Reservoir despite all contrary indications that their help is not required, and who have left reams of inaccessibly cryptic collateral under my door over the years.

Last month I received the letter pictured. Firstly, I don't know why they feel they have to stop door knocking due to COVID 19, because it's not like anyone in Reservoir ever invites them in. Secondly, it was addressed to my surname and address, so I can assume they have a private database or a reverse White Pages at their disposal, which I feel someone should probably look into. Inside was the pictured handwritten letter and pamphlet. Ordinarily I would go to some lengths to obscure the name in a document like this, but I feel that in this case a) the name is fairly amusing, and b) Chryzelle forfeited her right to anonymity when she looked me up in a reverse White Pages or whatever and mail bombed me with this shit instead of forcing it uninvited under my door while I'm at work like she usually would.

I was particularly impressed by the fact that Chryzelle had hand written this letter, as though she was labouring to communicate the import of her mission from a realm untouched by high speed printing devices. Spurred by her efforts, I took time to read her enclosed leaflet, and was unsurprised to find it was just another grouping of empty biblical verses used out of context rather than useful information about, say, where I could donate food or volunteer some help during a global pandemic.

I was left thinking how many of these unsolicited letters Chryzelle and her mates had sent, how many dollar stamps and hours of handwriting they had invested in them. Then I wondered how many genuinely useful things they could have done with all that time and money during a global pandemic and immediately thought of dozens of simple and highly effective ideas, none of which involved sending unsolicited passive aggressive letters to strangers. I thought Chryzelle might find my suggestions useful, but she failed to include a return address with her letter, which feels a bit unreasonable from someone who is asking for my eternal soul. I guess I'll just hand write my suggestions and save them for when the Jehovahs can knock at my door again. "Thank God you're here, " I'll say, "I've been waiting for you."

Top Ten

Rezza doesn't make many top ten lists, and when we do it's rarely in the aspirational categories. For some years we used to be a winner in various "affordability" scales, with all that entails. More recent accolades have included the top ten suburbs for most thefts from cars, and top ten suburbs for number plate thefts. It was little surprise to me then, to hear that we are among the top ten suburbs to contract COVID 19 in Melbourne this June, and that we are now a hotspot requiring intervention. Apparently at some point we can expect door knockers who will have a chat to us about the virus, and probably our general hygiene and soforth. It will be a nice change from the Jehovahs I guess, but everyone will need to be more careful about hiding the bong before answering the door.

Buckle Up

If you're going to come up here with an "I 💛 sluts" bumper sticker, make sure your car is a straight six at the very very least. This thing will be stripped for parts and set on fire and dumped out by the airport before he even wakes up.

Shiver Me Timbers

Seen in the carpark outside Coles: what appears to be a rather petite shiv, next to a menthol cigarette butt. I'm picturing a delicate local lass who was getting geared up to shop for some toilet paper.

Merry Christmas From The 'Voir!

Well if this isn't just the spirit of a 'Voir Christmas - it lights up, makes a lot of noise, but doesn't really go anywhere. And the sound of thongs slapping purposefully in the background of course.

Down by the River

Looks like the sacred waters of Darebin Creek have delivered another miracle.

Reservoir Security System

Happy Halloween From The 'Voir!

Halloween is a tricky time in Reservoir. You can never quite be sure what is or isn't a decoration. It's safe to say that Halloween briefly legitimises a lot of what's already going on here every other day though.

AF Mate

I Don't Think it Works Like That

Conversation overheard at Coles between two teenage girls:

Girl 1: "Dya want chips?"
Girl 2: (Texting) "Don't care."
Girl 1: "Dya want veggie chips? They're fucken good as."
Girl 2: "What are they?"
Girl 1: "They're made of veggies."
Girl 2: "I don't eat vegetables."

Grass is Green

When people think about moving to Reservoir from the inner city they always get a bit anxious that they will lose the lifestyle they are accustomed to. For anyone going through that process right now I'd like to assure you that you have nothing to worry about. You'll still be able to go to cafes and bars. If you're lucky you'll also still get to pick syringes out of your front yard like you used to in Fitzroy too.

Christmas is ruined

And that's why you don't ever put radiator water in the battery kids.

I Have Needs

In addition to needing the lowest prices everyday, and unlimited in-store feeding rights at the self serve nut bar, I need a trolley with a child seat so large that I can crawl into it when I've had too many cones so that my cranky girlfriend can push me around while I giggle uncontrollably and point at all the cheesy snacks I want.

After this I will need to go to Kmart.